my pensieve

It's been a while since i've blogged. since that time, i havent really been doing anything. i've been bumming around being useless. i guess i'd still prefer this over studying. but i do have looming issues thats been bothering me for a while.

issue #1. getting tired of doing the same shit everyday
my everyday is a broken scene waiting to be rehersed again and again and again and agin. heres how it goes. i wake up at around 2 am. go online till around 4. thats when anton and/or carlo comes around for a smoke. at around 5 they leave and i watch a dvd till around dinner time. at around 8 we have dinner, and after that i usually go out to play ball. i get home at around 11 - 12 and stay online till around 3-4 am. then i sleep and everthing happens ll over again.
- think about having nothing else to do but that every damn day. it gets pretty damn boring. although i am hoping for a change soon. ateneans are ending summer class soon and i'm excited to be up north more often.

issue#2. People opening up
usually not a problem for me. infact, i'd be flattered for someone to open up to me. it means that they trust me, they trust the advice im gonna give, they trust that im gonna listen (which i really do). BUT, there came a point where i couldnt take anymore. that point is now. i mean come on, everytime, they come up to me with problems about their girlfriends. i know they just need someone to talk to about it, and its cool with me. really. but not when you have 7 people going to you for help! i feel like im carrying the burden of 7 of my friends. i know i shouldnt get absorbed in it but i just cant help but feel sorry for them. and when i do, it affects the overall mood of the time. theyre feeling shitty, hence i feel shitty too. it just kills it. once in a while is okay. but to do that all the time, might as well not!
-but still, all of you are more than welcome to vent out and seek my advice anytime. -- just not now.

issue#3 "ano nga ba meron sayo?"
someone asked me THIS recently. and i have to say, it made me feel like SHIT! when you ask someone that, you're more or less implying that you cant see ANYTHING in the person! and for someone to say that you've got nothing in you that makes you special... well, i'll be damned if any of you dont feel bad after being told that. Damnit, that one question realy made me think about my past, my ex's, my frriends. why do people even care about me? why did people even like me? if anything at all it was totally degrading.
- so that one question made me go through a lot of soul searching. i went back to old letters, talked to a good friend about it and found one common thing. it's how i make people feel about themselves. im not talking in a conceited tone or anything but thats really the common denominator i found. i make people feel good about themselves. i make them smile. i make them feel special. all those thank you's that i over read DID mean something. it provided me with the essence for my being. as cheesy as it sounds, i guess im around to make people feel good about themselves. now that i realize that, i feel that THAT is much more important than feeling good about myself. this also came from a very good friend of mine

--"its cause you are genuinely sweet and caring.there's truth to your character and you have a sincere way of showing how you appreciate other people"-- i guess thats all there is to it. i care/cared for my friends/ my ex's/ my family/ even my future friends and gf-wherever you are- (hopefully this stays singular) so much that i would do anything just to make them feel good.

so thats that,I can make you the happiest person, but if you wont let me be that one person, then theres nothing i can do but hope you find someone that can make you happier than i can.

-- i know that was very ironic considering my first issue but come on. i can only take so much! ill still be the same. hehe --

issue#4 am i BISEXUAL?!??!?!?!?
Shit i can't believe that im saying this but... am i really?! i know im not gay. thats a fact. i love women too much... but could it be possible that i love men too? hahaha why i'm syaing this? one day i just figured, FUCK! i act gay so naturally that it's a bit weird! i mean i can say that guy is hot just as the next guy can, but i comes to me so naturally. no hindrance of whatsoever. it just comes out the same way i'd say any other girl is hot. so WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO DAMN NATURALLY FOR ME?! i mean i can molest any of my guy friends and not feel weird about it. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
- so after a whole new scneario of soul searching i found that.......... i am STRAIGHT. THANK GOD! it's simple actually. i just feel so secure with my sexuality that i dont give a damn about what others think of me. (all this ime it was what i thought of myself that mattered most) let them think im gay, i dont care. i know deep down inside that its still women for me. but hey i guess being BI wouldnt be so bad. i mean the greeks were BI and so were the romans, in fact some were even gay. BUT for now, i am straight. YAY

issue#5 nice guys finish last.
I'm what you'd consider a nice guy. im not like those bad boys that girls have a strong affinity for. im not one of those cases where girls find a ray of hope to straightening the guys life. i don't need that. in fact, i think im perfectly fine. i dont do drugs... well, alot or the hardcore ones atleast. i dont get pissed drunk every night. im not friends with those guys that could kick ass anytime they wanted to. i'm don't drive those fast cars and fight with my family all the time. i don't get into fights with people. i'm nothing like that. in other words, i'm far from being that bad boy all women want.
- i AM a nice guy. and so what? what it comes down to, is that a guy should treat women with care and respect. can the bad boys really give that? but despite that the bad boys always win. its the classic story of the geek and the jock. That's society. but one thing i have to say, is that even if nice guys finish last, ATLEAST THEY FINISH.

I've got many more to go but i've got an appointment with the doctor later. so it's time to sleep. that's it for now.